Air New Zealand has a unique way of measuring success when it comes to customer service. I recount, for example, my experience from earlier this week.
Arriving at Wellington Aerodrome, having checked-in online I found myself standing in the queue to check my bags in with 10 clear minutes before the time to check your luggage in expired. Unbelievably, the few staff at the booths, all engaged in animated, and it appeared deeply interesting enjoyable conversations with the few customers ahead of me. "Oh, yes, Queenstown is beautiful this time of year……, Yes…… No way…… Brilliant...." and on and on and on. Next door, a couple who had been married, it appears since Seddon became Prime Minister, were in front, talking animatedly with another staff member for around seven minutes while she struggled to locate hearing aid batteries from somewhere within the depths of a shoulder bag, "Oh, they are so small nowadays," she said, while he allowed his dentures to make clacking sounds in his open mouth while he reminisced,"I remember when pennies were made of wood… You could buy a house for a pound back then… clackle, clackle...."
Eventually, I came to the front of the queue, "sorry, you're five minutes late" intoned, the smiling uniform with silken tones. "Yes, but I wouldn't have been, had you not been shooting the breeze with so many people." "Sorry, there's nothing I can do. Tell you what I'll take you over to re-ticketing" she said. I foolishly allowed myself some small glimmer of hope as there was still a good half hour to departure time. She escorted me across the carpet, over to a booth behind which stood a short fat man, his belly straining to be contained behind a richly embroidered koru decorated waistcoat come corset. "Not another queue", I exclaimed as in front of me was a large German woman who had suffered a similar fate to myself. The silver waistcoat or vizier, as I came to call him, calmly explained, with a degree of sadistic pleasure, that he couldn't help her, but suggested, she rebook on another flight on another day. She muttered that she had never experienced this in Hamburg or any of the other international airports she had gone through previously. With what must have been the extent of the vizier's's daily exercise, shrugged his shoulders and walked her over to another counter to purchase a fresh ticket before coming back to me.
My story is retold by the smiling staffer, who having played her part in what I guess is now a regular farce walked away, smiling inwardly at my fate. "There's nothing I can do, you were late!" the waistcoated vizier intoned. "But I wouldn't have been, if your organisation actually did their job and checked people in, rather than having detailed lengthy conversations with everyone". "I can't help that" he unhelpfully replied. "But I have a flexi-fare, can't you book me on a later flight to Rotorua today?" I said as I flash my ticket. "No, I can book you a flight for tomorrow morning", he replied all the helpfulness, his I don't give a flying shit attitude would allow. He didn't even looking at his computer screen while doing this. Unknown to me, there was in fact, another flight, leaving 40 minutes later, that would have seen me land in Rotorua at around 5 pm via Auckland - there were even spare seats. Yet, he didn't even try ...... "Oh, you are still here, can I help you any more?" "No, you have been completely useless. Air New Zealand could in fact save money by making you redundant and replacing you with a sign that says 'fuck off', it would lead to the same result, but would be nowhere near as annoying."
Upon reflection, this waistcoated spokesman for Air New Zealand was a refined version of Little Britain's Carol Beer. I say 'refined' because 'Carol' would at least make the effort of tapping into a computer before telling you, "Computer says no." Air New Zealand has simply refined the process cutting out the pretence of even looking on a screen, as they focus on communicating a deliberate unhelpfulness and general contempt for the public.
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